Current Mood: Angry/defiant
Music: The Nylons - That Kind Of Man
1oo5o4
This is an excerpt from "Sloppy Firsts" by Megan McCafferty
"Next up was Dori Sipowitz, a die-hard Britney Spears fan if there ever was one. Much like the genuine Lolita diva, Dori's act was heavy on the choreography and light on the singing, relying on pre-recorded vocals and lip-synching. Dori's mother was sitting right in front of us and screamed, "Sexy baby! Sexy, sexy, sexy!" as her daughter writhed and gyrated in a pink, sequined catsuit with a belly-baring cut out."
"I don't even need to tell you how completely sick and inappropriate that is."

And so, I have now found the fictional version of me. A sarcastic bitch who thinks the world is a fucked up place full of bubble gum bimbo's. After the intitial heartbreak "nameless" has cuased me, all I ever feel is anger towards someone I think I could let myself fall for. I don't need to be told that I've been replaced by someone else.. Not again.
Maybe, if I ever stop being such a wussy freak I'll actually let someone read this(other than the people who already know) or maybe I'll tell someone about "nameless"
Back to my original post! The fictional me, from the novel Sloppy Firsts. Her name's Jessica Darling, she's lost her best friend, and she's obsessed with a bad boy and writing.(I suppose in my real world, I'm in love with a dumb ass, but ditto on the writing thing.) I know I just said that I get angry at anyone who I could fall for, but that;s why liking "Jub Jub" pisses me off so much. It's like when he's not standing behind me, when I can't feel him against my back(yes, I do realize how that sounds) I can be as angry as I want, I can tell myself guys are assholes, and I can get mad at myself because I've gotten over "nameless" too fast, but when he standing behind me I forget all of this and that is exactly what makes me ever more angry.
What I like most about Jessica Darling is the way her character writes. I would give anything to be able to express myself in such a way. That's why I started this journal but I always feel like I'm not coming across the way I want to.. Not to mention I switch subjects so fast that my journals are hard to read.
And now that I've brought myself down... I'm signing off.
Brutally but honestly yours,
Sam


Current Mood: Undecided, but bordering on miserable
Music: Lene Marlin - Sorry
27o4o4
This is an excerpt from "Love and Other Four Letter Words" by Carolyn Mackler
"It's strange. I always thought Kitty and I would be best friends forever, emailing daily throughout college, raising our kids in adjoining backyards, barbecuing skewers of shish kebab on warm summer evenings

Then again, I always thought my parents would be Roz+James forever, and look where THAT got me. Who knows? I mean, it's only a trial seperation so far. But sometimes it seems like a seperation just prolongs the inevitable, the Big D. Like with this much water under the bridge, how can we ever go back to the way things used to be, all of us living together in the Ithaca house? And let's say we do, how can I be sure it won't fall apart again?
But if there's anything I've learned in the past few months, it's that the only thing that's certain in life is that nothing in life is certain."

"How can we ever go back to the way things used to be?".... It will never happen... I'm always hoping, dreaming, wishing for everything to go back to the way it was.. before my heart was crushed, by my parents, by "Kitty", by a person I'd been with off and on for a few years...
The word "forever" is no longer a word in my dictionary. Why should I be left believing i will be with the person I love for the rest of my life, living in a house with a huge front porch and a pretty white picket fence, when she knows that she's just leading me on. My heart will ALWAYS belong to her.. I will always love her.. and yet, at the same time, my heart doesn't feel like it can love anymore. It's like everytime thought of her leap through my mind, my throat tightens, and i find it hard to breathe.. And I know the tears are going to flow, because my fingertips go numb, and my nose tingles...Then they start falling... And I know I've cried too much over that one person... But i pretty much cry all the time now. What do I have to laugh for? Best friends that ditch? Significant others that realize they're in love with someone else? Parents that don't speak to eachother...? After i stop thinking about all these things... the tears stop, and i become bitter.... It's like now.. I'm riding on this roller coaster of fear and sorrow.. and all together horrible feelings.. And i'm not getting off it for at least a year.
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